I Paid For Your Silence

i woke from the most weirdest fucking dream ive ever had to a throbbing ear drum which i thought was part of the dream, but no it was bloody real as fuck… i couldnt make the slightest of movement without hurting the fuck out of my ear…

i do not appriciate ear pain at 4.30 in the morning! and so dear mummy gave me pain killers and put a hot water bottle on my ear whilst she looked for the mysterious bald hills hospital… it exists but it doesnt… so she took me to the royal brisbane one at around 5.30 and waited so bloody long for a non fully qualified medical professional -i wouldnt even call him that- only to have him tell me after all ive told him including the fact that it felt like it was going to burst! and all he comes up with after seeing his boss is antibiotics- which for me have no effect whatsoever- and basically an IGNORE THE PAIN till it gets to swelling and oozing shit out! lucky im booked in for the doctor soon, because i want to get rid of this shit… he didnt even tell me if i have an ear infection or not…. not even which part is fucking red!

I waited that long just to be tired and crappy all fucking day long!

what happened to the days of the Apothecary? the ‘oh you have these symptoms, take this this and this and possibly this’ but i guess nothing is ever the same…

I’ve learnt that I have made the most horrid mistakes in my life just most recently…

I Let myself be engaged to a boy, an insecure mess… that still wont let me go… he gets his sister to ask me things that I know are for his own torture… as much of an ass that he is… if he just opens up he will find that girl thats been waiting for him… That will NEVER be me again…

Because of that I changed so much… I forgot who I was… I lost myself in a deep, crowded and lonely sea of dissappointment, sorrow, falseness and unhappiness… all through it I tried to smile and prentend that I was happy… I never was… it got to the point where I shut down and excluded everyone in my life… I pushed people away and never meant for things to go the way they did…

There were so many things I couldn’t do, not even without getting yelled at… I couldnt have any tattoos or facial piercings… I couldnt wear shorts, or skirts above the knee, i had to change my hair… I couldn’t have friends that were guys… I couldnt see my girl friends, I couldnt stay over at at mates place even if that were a girl… i couldnt go out clubbing or out anywhere unless it was with him… I was about to throw my life away at 18… get my tubes cut and stuff removed… because he didnt want kids… but later in life I do want kids…

I’ve learnt my lesson with younger girls… just dont date them… no matter how cute, or loving they are… they will only just give up…

I’m giving up on a thing that has made me, me for the most of my teenage life… Photography… I’m going on hiatus for a while and going into candle making instead… dont know how thats going to pan out… but I hope it gives me a whole new perspective on life and what I love to do mostly…

Plus I’ve 2 too many girl crushes…

So you think that you had told me? Wrong!

So you think that you would have remembered me? Well that for one thing we both know you all do.

So you think that i dont recognise who is real and who is not? Oh jee I fucking wonder?

How many times did I tell you in the past that you would just forget and all you’d say is no we wont forget you, you’re too great to forget, just to keep me longer so you just damage me further… some friends you are.

But dont listen to me at all I’m still under the influence of anesthetic.

/Rant

okay so my little ratties had not been spoiled in a while since christmas… and the other 5 little ones have gone and 5 have stayed… so we now have 5 boys, and 6 girls… i know it seems alot, but it really isnt… i myself have 6 rats of my own… well maybe 7 if Autumn Plague wants me to keep her which is looking positive… but back to the 6 of my own… i have 3 boys 2 of them rather large and one medium size, and 3 girls… all of which are just a bit smaller than the boys, except one hasnt got much meat on her… suffer that is…

so anyway back to my story of spoilage… i went to Pet Goods Direct today to buy carefresh bedding right? Wrong…. i spent the last of my pay on another cage as well, in hopes that it would suit the girls… so i never did end up riding my bike home, but folded the wire of the cage the way it folds, and put the base through my bag and on my back in the middle heat of the day….

i put the news paper down first then the bedding, and added the girls… well they did not like it one bit… so i decided okay well they can have their cage that they have now, and i will put the boys in the new one… and they LOVE it… i hung the tube hammock up and they had a ball, ive never seen them so active and worn out… glad to see i made some boys happy, even if two of them arent mine and theyre mum’s… like Autumn Plague is meant to be, but she keeps coming to me and giving me kisses, snuggles, and rat grooming baths :s… oh well looks like shes just another to add to the 6 ive already got <3333 she loves sitting in my cleavage as im on the computer and snuggle into my neck when im laying down reading a book, bless her cotton socks <33333 *loveable sigh*