I Paid For Your Silence

I’ve learnt that I have made the most horrid mistakes in my life just most recently…

I Let myself be engaged to a boy, an insecure mess… that still wont let me go… he gets his sister to ask me things that I know are for his own torture… as much of an ass that he is… if he just opens up he will find that girl thats been waiting for him… That will NEVER be me again…

Because of that I changed so much… I forgot who I was… I lost myself in a deep, crowded and lonely sea of dissappointment, sorrow, falseness and unhappiness… all through it I tried to smile and prentend that I was happy… I never was… it got to the point where I shut down and excluded everyone in my life… I pushed people away and never meant for things to go the way they did…

There were so many things I couldn’t do, not even without getting yelled at… I couldnt have any tattoos or facial piercings… I couldnt wear shorts, or skirts above the knee, i had to change my hair… I couldn’t have friends that were guys… I couldnt see my girl friends, I couldnt stay over at at mates place even if that were a girl… i couldnt go out clubbing or out anywhere unless it was with him… I was about to throw my life away at 18… get my tubes cut and stuff removed… because he didnt want kids… but later in life I do want kids…

I’ve learnt my lesson with younger girls… just dont date them… no matter how cute, or loving they are… they will only just give up…

I’m giving up on a thing that has made me, me for the most of my teenage life… Photography… I’m going on hiatus for a while and going into candle making instead… dont know how thats going to pan out… but I hope it gives me a whole new perspective on life and what I love to do mostly…

Plus I’ve 2 too many girl crushes…